Unprepared.

Stuck in despair. She hesitated bringing her pen to the page. Word for word, her mind was made up and yet the sound of nails on chalkboard screamed in her ears… Bad timing, poor excuses, the fact that he thought she wasn’t good enough… Her past hung over her head like a storm that wouldn’t pass, and the rain fell day after day reminding her that she wasn’t like everyone else and she never would be.

She hung her head in misery. Discouraged beyond compare, tears pierced the fabric on her shirt as each one fell. In some ways she hated herself, hated the things that she had done, but the worst part was that she hated how much she took pleasure in those things, relishing in the thought of danger. The sex, the drinking, the lying, in which she strung herself up in a web of terror and self loathing. She indulged in the hate she had for her Father, she loved not feeling the pain and ignoring every emotion inside of her. She watched the computer screen for hours as she pleasured herself. Her former innocent self stared at her in the mirror and didn’t recognize her. The layers and layers of sin corrupted her very soul.

She fought with herself, a battle from within. Struggling, trying to deal with what she had done, trying to make sense of it all… Losing her mind. This wasn’t who she was. She had more to offer him. Those things did not make up the pain, they did not describe her, those things were not who she was and who she wanted so desperately to be. In reality, she was tired. Tired of living. Tired of trying to quit. The pleasure overrides the consequences. To her it all wasn’t worth it. Ending her life was the only way. There was nothing worth surviving for…

She looked up once more into the sky that held her so tight. An army of twinkling stars that could do no harm. She felt at peace as the wind brushed her cheeks and the soothing echoes of the waves crashed below her. She took one last breathe and dove into the dark water below. She closed her eyes, because it the distance she could see herself in the mirror. Once more she stared at herself and smiled because she was diving back into life. She was dirty, bruised, broken and changed, but she wasn’t alone. Not anymore. 

Sexy.
Many would say it’s about his abs, his butt, his lips, his face… Those eyes, his hair, his strong looking physique.
I wouldn’t say that at all…
It more about his life, the way he lives. It’s about his heart and the things he has to offer. It’s more about the cute things, like twiddling with the bottom of my shorts, or holding just a few fingers as we walk, it’s about the moment right before we close our eyes to kiss.
It’s more about his quirky charm, it’s in his laugh, it’s deep in his soul.
The sweep of passion, the daring fashion in which he stares me down.
It’s in the way he walks, the way people look at him and smile. It’s in the way he slides the tips of his fingers along the bottom of my jaw.
It’s in the way he says “lets go camping” or “lets go for a walk”. It’s in the way he hums, it’s in his age, his maturity, his decision making…
Mostly it’s in the way he shows the world his love for Jesus and in the way he treats everyone with kindness and love. Wherever he goes there’s a joy about him that no one can touch. An intimacy that I’ll never know.
A man I have not yet met, but soon hope to know.

It’s you. It’s your bones. It’s your skin as it washes over me. It’s your kiss, your heart, your overwhelming desire. As long as I’ve known you, I’ve wanted to be held by you. I’ve wanted to laugh with you, talk into the wee hours of the night and make you happy. Happier than any man before you. You’ve broken whatever spell I’ve been held in all these years and like chivalry you have rescued me. You’ve taken me into a this life where God is real! Where love in him is constant and makes whatever I have left, eternal. You lead me to the one thing that I needed and I am so thankful. Whether or not you know it… I am happy in this perfect tryst… This divine love… Thank you for showing me Jesus. Thank you for the chance of being yours. :)