Stuck in despair. She hesitated bringing her pen to the page. Word for word, her mind was made up and yet the sound of nails on chalkboard screamed in her ears… Bad timing, poor excuses, the fact that he thought she wasn’t good enough… Her past hung over her head like a storm that wouldn’t pass, and the rain fell day after day reminding her that she wasn’t like everyone else and she never would be.
She hung her head in misery. Discouraged beyond compare, tears pierced the fabric on her shirt as each one fell. In some ways she hated herself, hated the things that she had done, but the worst part was that she hated how much she took pleasure in those things, relishing in the thought of danger. The sex, the drinking, the lying, in which she strung herself up in a web of terror and self loathing. She indulged in the hate she had for her Father, she loved not feeling the pain and ignoring every emotion inside of her. She watched the computer screen for hours as she pleasured herself. Her former innocent self stared at her in the mirror and didn’t recognize her. The layers and layers of sin corrupted her very soul.
She fought with herself, a battle from within. Struggling, trying to deal with what she had done, trying to make sense of it all… Losing her mind. This wasn’t who she was. She had more to offer him. Those things did not make up the pain, they did not describe her, those things were not who she was and who she wanted so desperately to be. In reality, she was tired. Tired of living. Tired of trying to quit. The pleasure overrides the consequences. To her it all wasn’t worth it. Ending her life was the only way. There was nothing worth surviving for…
She looked up once more into the sky that held her so tight. An army of twinkling stars that could do no harm. She felt at peace as the wind brushed her cheeks and the soothing echoes of the waves crashed below her. She took one last breathe and dove into the dark water below. She closed her eyes, because it the distance she could see herself in the mirror. Once more she stared at herself and smiled because she was diving back into life. She was dirty, bruised, broken and changed, but she wasn’t alone. Not anymore.